Beatrice* thought she had married the perfect man. He was gentlemanly to her family and friends, and seemed to be a thoughtful person. After they were married for one year, Beatrice was overjoyed to find out that she was pregnant with their first child. To her horror, this was also when the abuse started. From shouting obscenities and swearing at her for no apparent reason, he began to slap, punch and hit her. He also regularly kicked her in the stomach until she became so frightened that the child would miscarry.

She could not understand what had happened, and became paralysed with fear each time she had to face her husband. Beatrice did not know who to talk to. She was afraid that no one would believe her. He also began to restrict her movement and monitor all her telephone calls. She could not speak or meet up with anyone without his approval. Gradually, she lost all contact with her friends and could only see her family during festive occasions although they lived close by.

Her husband also systematically abused her psychologically and emotionally by constantly criticising and belittling her, and blaming her for everything. One Christmas, she went to the sundry shop with her husband to buy a tin of Milo. She suggested that a bigger tin might be better value for money as they had two children by then, and it would last longer. At first he was not happy about it, then to Beatrice's relief, he smiled and said it was a really good idea. Later at home however, he accused her of "showing him up" in public and thrashed her till her face was blue-black and swollen. She did not visit her family that year.

Beatrice has lost all sense of self-worth and lived daily in fearful anticipation of her husband's behaviour. What can she do?

First of all, it is important to realise that Beatrice is not alone. Domestic violence cuts across lines of race, religion, income, class and culture. Your family, your neighbours, your colleagues or even the woman you just passed on the streets may be facing the same thing as Beatrice, and like her, are keeping their silence. In order to help them break free from this life of violence, we need to understand what domestic violence is all about.

Domestic violence is about abuse of power by one partner (usually the male) to control every aspect of his partner's life to get absolute compliance through fear. It is not caused by poverty, stress, alcohol or drug abuse and is never the fault of the victim.

Domestic violence is not a one-off incident, but a continuous cycle of abuse which can be in the form of social, emotional, financial, physical and/or sexual abuse.

Beatrice's husband knowingly chose to torture her in the various ways that he did in order to make her submit to his every wish and to live in fear of his disapproval. He appeared to be a nice person to everyone else, and yet to his wife, he believed that he had the right to treat her as he did in the "safety" of their home. Why is this so?

There is a prevailing societal attitude which sees men, being the head of the household, as having control and "possession" over their wives or partners. In turn, this notion allows the men to do anything in exercise of this control.

Such a belief is wrong, and discriminatory. This attitude has to be challenged in order to save the lives of women like Beatrice, and their children. Domestic violence destroys families. Children who witness domestic violence in their homes are greatly affected, and often exhibit emotional and behavioural trauma that may carry on to their adulthood.

Domestic violence is not a private family affair. The Domestic Violence Act 1994 holds domestic violence to be a criminal offence. A husband who batters his wife will be charged under the Penal Code and punished if found guilty.

If you know of anyone who is abused, do not ignore it by thinking of it as a "family problem". Reach out to help her. Give her support, listen to her and help her by giving her information on domestic violence and how to seek help. You may have helped save a life.

What can you do if you are a victim of domestic violence/What can Beatrice do:

• Talk to someone you can trust about what you are going through, or call a counselling line.
• Make an emergency plan about what to do and where to go if you are in danger. Tell your children about the plan if they are old enough to understand.
• Take your children if you can. If not, make sure they join you as soon as possible, and see a lawyer soon about custody.
• Keep aside what is important, like an extra set of keys, emergency telephone numbers, money, identification, important papers and medication for you and your children in a safe and secret hiding place.
• Work out a code word that can be used on the phone with someone you trust if you are in danger.
• Make a police report about the abuse. If you are uncertain about this, call a women's organisation for advice.
• If possible, go to the emergency department of a government hospital to seek treatment for the injuries you sustained from the abuse. Inform the registration desk that you are a victim of abuse, they will provide you with assistance.
• You can also seek help from the nearest Welfare department.
• If you need somewhere safe to stay temporarily, you can contact a women's organisation that provides shelter.

*Names changed to protect WAO's client's confidentiality.

Jaclyn Kee
Communications Officer
Women's Aid Organisation - 20 Years of Service to Women and Children

Fortnightly Column by WAO on Sunday Mail

T